Some days, I feel on top of the world; I get in my run, I hit all my deadlines, I have conversations that matter, I eat salads instead of leftover Christmas chocolate, and I am winning. Other days, I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders: I take a comment on social media personally, I spill my coffee all over my desk as I take a call, and I decide to end the day with doing something reckless, like jumping on the scale.
On any given day, I would rate my success at being a human a 3 out of 10 or an 11.
All this makes me think of a couple I worked with two years ago who were fresh out of some marriage counselling. One of the tools they had learned was to take the “temperature” of their relationship regularly, and so they would complete each day by sharing how, on a scale of 1 to 10, they would each rate the relationship.
This was something I loved/stole to use on other clients. It’s brilliant. First, it involves connecting at the end of the day and focusing on the relationship. Second, it involves taking a snapshot, of sorts, of the relationship. It doesn’t mean that problems will necessarily get addressed immediately, but it does mean that both parties notice and become aware of what is happening and can act in a proactive way.
One thing I do with many clients, and especially with the couples who come to my Super Couple Tune Up, is have them each assess where they are in eight areas of their lives including health, personal growth, and career. It allows them to connect and tune into where each of them are, witnessing the challenges of which they may not be aware. It provides us all with a unique snapshot of the current state of affairs.
Years ago, when I was still married (but perhaps shouldn’t have been), my then-husband said to me, as I tidied the kitchen after dinner, “Doesn’t it seem like we’re circling the drain, here?” If we had each been filling out a snapshot, rating various areas of our lives, my denial would have shone brightly with my 8 out of 10 rating, and I would have been woken right up with his own rating of 2.
An extreme example, perhaps, but we can sometimes operate very parallel lives that have differing levels of satisfaction. Becoming conscious of these gaps offers us a chance to grow.
In addition to being a gauge of the temperature of a relationship, this snapshot gives us a place to look as we choose meaningful directions to take. If one of the couple rates their “fun and recreation” with a low number, then we can ask what they need to raise that number and how they would like to be supported.
Look at any corporate team and you will see that team members bring many different strengths to the table. The same is true of a relationship; you’re in a team. It’s important to know where all the members of the team sit in terms of satisfaction, fulfillment and happiness.
Right now, I’m offering this important tool as a download so you can assess, for yourself, where you are, what might need to shift, and how each partner feels about the relationship. I invite you to download it here, and then either share your results with me in a free coaching call or at my Super Couple Tune Up on February 11th. If you’re relatively satisfied with your relationship right now, I must ask: Is “okay” really good enough? Because “great” is always a possibility, and it’s also my specialty.