My super power (or one of them, at least) is that I grant permission. Seriously. I wish it came with a cape and a spandex outfit with a big ‘P’ on the chest because that would be 40 shades of awesome. Want to know how I do it? I open my big mouth. There isn’t much that I won’t talk about fairly openly. Ask me about money, I’ll dive in and tell you where I’m at, how I have struggled, and how I am making changes as I move forward. Ask me about body issues and weight, and I’ll launch into tales of my struggles and freely admit that I have some weight I would like to lose and some physical goals I would like to reach. I’ll even give you a guided tour of my body, if you wish.
As as coach, clients are sometimes shocked to hear me speak frankly about my life experiences and journey to where I am now, but I wouldn’t think to go at it any other way; I don’t believe in keeping secrets or being false, so if you ask me a question, I’m gonna answer it.
By doing this and being comfortable in my full self-expression, I create a safe place for others to talk about things that they might otherwise hesitate to. It opens the door for questions about sex, being able to speak freely about things like insecurities and fantasies, and whatever else might get caught in your filter before you open your mouth.
This brings me to what I want to talk about today, and that is SEX.
**This is another area in which I gleefully grant permission and open the door. Ask me about sex, and I’ll engage in a lively discussion on everything from masturbation to consensual non-monogamy. It’s one of my favorite topics, and not because I am a sex-crazed lunatic.
When my nephew was potty training, I remember finding a book whose message I found to be particularly fabulous: Everybody Poops by Taro Gomi. It’s true, everybody does, and I took great joy in pointing out to him that every person in his world poops; me, his parents, Gramma and Grampa, even the stupid Prime Minister poops (mostly because he is so filled with it, but that’s another post). The same is true for sex, we all have sex. Sometimes it’s with ourselves, sometimes with others. Problems arise when we are not having it.
So today I bring you seven new ways to think about sex. Go ahead, I’m giving you permission:
Think of it as a Language in which you can be fluent
Sex can be a way of relating to another person. It’s not for the purpose of procreation or the road to building a monogamous relationship, but instead it can be a doorway to other things. I have had relationships that yes, began quite intimately, but eventually landed in a place of deep and profound friendship that later had nothing to do at all with physical intimacy. I’m not saying this is the best route to go with all the time, but sex can be a common ground that builds to something even better that might not have come along otherwise.
It’s a super fun way to communicate
Ever had make-up sex? Ever loved another person so much that the only possible way to let them know was to share a space of loving and enjoying their physical body? You were communicating with sex. It’s not a bad thing. When you can’t articulate with words what your heart wants to say, sometimes it’s best to entangle in a wordless exchange of primal-sounding moans and sighs.
It can be an act of reconnection
I had a friend who used to spend months away from her partner at a time. He would return home to her and as he reintegrated into her life and routine, they would inevitably fight. They started a practice of engaging in some lovemaking within an hour of him arriving home, and things started to improve. By literally getting back into her most intimate space, it paved the way for a smoother transition into their shared physical space.
I know and have been with lovers who are very different in their clothed, walking-around lives. I am probably the same. Who you are when you are having sex can be a completely new side of who you are. Again, so not a bad thing.
Co-create something amazing!
Yes, sex is the way that we make babies, so I am obviously referring to that, partly. I am also pointing out that sex is different each time you do it, whether it be with a new partner (obviously) or even with the same partner. Think of it as a dance to a new song each time – there will always be things that worked last time but maybe don’t the next, and it’s got the potential for always being new and slightly different. Doesn’t that make you want to go do it right now to see what happens?
Connect to something spiritual
I was talking with a friend about this the other day (I brought it up, naturally) and we were tossing around the notion that when you are naked, and having sex and connecting to someone else in a purely physical way, that you are closest to God (or your spiritual equivalent) at that time. I know for myself, it is one of the times when I am most present and not at all concerned with anything other than what is right in front of me (or behind me!) and I think this might be true. They don’t call sex “knowing someone in the biblical way” for nothing.
Relieve some stress
This one is fairly self-explanatory, I think. Can you think of a better thing to clear your head and let off some steam? If you don’t believe me, go try it.
So I invite you to grant your own permission: start talking about sex and just watch as doors open. Trust me, it’s fun.